Notes From Mom in Holiday Cards Helping Me Regain Confidence in What I Had Been Doing

Stuart K. Hayashi

 

Ever since my mother died on January 12 of this year, I have felt that so many of my aspirations and values have turned out to be pointless. I wondered if the writing and other projects I had been pursuing had been for naught. But I have found old holiday cards from Mom where the personalized notes she put inside pertain directly to the area where I have been insecure these past three months.

You may remember what I previously wrote about my parents and holiday cards. My parents — especially my father — put a lot of emphasis on members of our family purchasing greeting cards from the store and exchanging them on every holiday. On Valentine’s Day, you wouldn’t find it strange to receive such a card from your significant other. But I received such cards from my mother on February 14. In any instance where I had not gotten Mom a card for such an occasion, my father reproached that as some moral transgression, a form of negligence.

As I wrote before, I was not a fan of this custom. I said that it wasn’t as though the person giving the card was the one who wrote its contents or drew the picture. But it seems that in later years, my mother took that criticism to heart. In the later years, my mother often wrote very personalized notes inside the cards, notes pertaining directly to what had been concerning me in that time. Around March 31, I found personalized notes from Mom that particularly address the area where I now feel so vulnerable — my worry that my writing projects might not have been worthwhile after all.

For Christmas of 2017, Mom wrote,

Dec. 2017

With all our love,
Mom + Dad

You’ve accomplished a lot of difficult things (that I consider difficult) and pulled through – like getting your books published and am proud of you for all you’ve stuck through. I only wish you the best in life and happiness!

Months later, for my 2018 birthday, Mom repeated that idea.

At that time, Mom put,

With lots of love, 

Mom + Dad

You’ve accomplished some very difficult things that no one else in our family could/would do + we’re proud of you for that + being the persistent person that you are.

I cried upon reading these. I have more strength upon being reminded that I had my mother’s blessing in pursuing the course that I have.

Mom’s Holiday Cards Helping Me in the Second Hardest Time of My Life

Stuart K. Hayashi

I previously mentioned  that much more than I did, my parents placed a lot of emotional priority on the exchange of greeting cards bought from the store. I wasn’t a fan of receiving cards of drawings and writings by a stranger rather than the person who gave me the card. Apparently noticing this in me, my mother added personalized notes to the cards.

Before my mother died, the hardest time in my life had to do with a friend of mine. We had become very close. But my friend had exhibited morbid and self-harming gestures — some of them publicly —and was under the expectation that I play along and act as if it was all safe and fine. On my birthday in 2010, I told my friend that exactly because I cared about her, I would not play along with the pretense that this was safe. My friend called that a tremendous betrayal. To this day, I think I made the right decision. Nevertheless, this situation has haunted me every day since then. In some cards from that day and several years on, my mother alluded to that indirectly. I’m really grateful that my mother was there for me to give emotional support.

This is the card my mother gave me on my birthday in 2010 — the very day I had that difficult conversation with my friend.

The first part that my mother wrote reads, 

Stuart, you’ve always been very precious to us, especially me; I honestly don’t know what I (+ Dad, too) would do without you. You’ve brought a lot of joy and pride into our lives. I love you now and always and really wish you all the happiness you deserve. 

 Love, 

Mom

The second part reads,

With much love, 
Mom + Dad 

Hope you can still be a little happy, if not truly happy today, very soon.

On February 14, 2011, my mother wrote, “Have a Happy Valentine’s Day, if possible.” That, too, was an indirect allusion to what was happening between my friend and me.

 

And I have shown before what Mom wrote to me for Valentine’s Day of 2012.

Stuart— 

 You’re such a good person and son that I wish I could give you all the happiness and everything you deserve. 

 I wish and hope that someday soon you will find love with someone who deserves you. Since I can’t do that for you, please use his toward something that will bring you joy. 

 Happy Valentine’s Day! 

 Love, 

Mom